I just need a fresh start and this was the easiest and cheapest way. :)

I have been thinking of starting fresh. I have looked at some of the past journals..almost 2 years and see where I started this in my personal life and now. I will probably keep this page up...maybe.

Not sure when I will...or if I will.

Let me know if you want to continue to be a friend of mine.

Of course I know some of you still want to be. Just let me know.

Most of you know a church mouse makes more money than me. Anyway, I have most of my xmas shopping done, but still need a few things and got my money today. Well, I decide to go and get the few items (mostly stocking stuffers) and V-Day shit is out and the Xmas stuff is gone. WTF?!?

Not only is V-day officially the worst holiday....It's official that I suck.

Have I told you how awesome you are?? You sure are a womanizer.

Keep doing unexpected things like this. You will make my fucked up life so much better. Thanx

~heartbroken4stumph

1) I love when it is rainy and cloudy.

2) Wish people understood me.

3) One of my goals is to move away from here. Since I'm dreaming some of the places I would love to move to are Australia, England, Alaska, and New Orleans.

4) In school I was a misfit...and 16 years later I still am.

5) I'm too open/sacrastic on the net and have lost friends (I think) because of it. I wish people would be open with me and tell me what I did to them.

6) I have a scar above my right eye. When I was 3 I fell off my grandparents step.

7) I'm not one for watching tv. I do watch tv, but there arn't many shows that I'm disappointmented if I miss them...well, until True Blood.

8) I went to Catholic school unitl 11th grade.

9) I love to read.

10) Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake getting a divorce.

11) When I think of being alone I get a panic attack.

12) My favorite Christmas movie is White Christmas.

13) Pete Wentz is a thorn in my side. Especially, lately. haha

14) As much as I love Buzz...sometimes I wonder if I should just leave. Does it really matter anymore??

15) I need to color my hair. :)

16) I wish I would of gone to college right after high school and got a hold on my life then.

I'm not going to tag anyone. I barely know 16 people on here anymore.

My family isn't too religious. On my mom's side my mom and grandma are the only ones who go to Church. I think Catholic School does that to a person. My mom never shoves the Bible down my throat or anything. She does mention how she wishes I would go to Church, but that's it. I can't remember the last time I prayed. My ex husband is what people think "Christians" are like. Put down any and all other beliefs, gays, secular entertainment, etc.

So this brings us to now. I'm looking into following Wiccan. Now I know most of you when you just read that have thoughts of black cats, brooms, Satanism, black clothes, bloodletting, sacrificing etc. I've been looking Wiccan even before I even really knew it. I had a book on cults..which most of them weren't even cults and I always went back to Wiccan and wanted to learn more. Well, I have.

Here are a few things Wiccan is:

• Nature should be honored and respected.
• The idea of karma and an afterlife is a valid one. What we do in this lifetime will be revisited upon us in the next.
• Holidays are based on the turning of the earth and the cycle of the seasons.
• Harm none and respect others.
• There are spells. They include candles, crystals, athame, wand, and herbs.
• Not all wiccans seek to speak to the dead.

Since I am telling  you all, I hope you all understand. Especially, my Christian friends. I may never tell my family. In the last week there have been times I wanted to tell my mom, but the words couldn't come out. There are those who I know I can trust and will be there for me. Thank you in advance. Even as I write this I don't want to post it. But I am. I want to tell my friends who in the last year and a half I have shared most of my life with you.

10) Surviving- I survived another year. For some people it wouldn't mean a lot. For me it means a lot. I'm trying to look at things differently. I may not have the best life...but it's my life.

9) Weight loss- Since starting I've lost close to 20 pounds. Right now I'm kinda starting again. Being sick and trying to lose weight is very hard. I know I will get there.

8) Name change- When my divorce was final I changed my last name. Unfortunately, none of these was it. I took my mom's maiden name.

7) Divorce became final- Starting 2008 my divorce became final. I wish I could say it was the end of the problem..but it wasn't. I'm glad not to be under his thumb anymore. :)

6) Meeting Panic At The Disco- Probably the only best thing about HCT.

5) Pretty.Odd- Love this CD!

4) Fall Out Boy- So I downloaded the leak. I won't be able to buy it next Tuesday. Check other journal. One word...Amazing. And that doesn't even cover it. I'm just amazed how with each CD they can come up with something totally different. 

3) True Blood/Stephen Moyer- When I found out about TB it was already halfway through the season and I didn't have HBO. Thank god for the internet. As soon as Stephen walked into Merlotte's I was hooked on him...I mean the show. The next day I went to find whatever he has been in. Which is a lot and British tv. So it makes it hard to find. There is an amazing woman on youtube who has uploaded and gave links to download. I owe her brownies and cookies.

2) Friends- I don't have a lot of friends irl. Sad isn't it. But I thank god for Kendra, Kelly, and Vero. You guys are amazing. I thank you all who comment on my stuff and hang in there when I'm not around. I wasn't here for a month and well...I guess some got mad and left me. You can always count on your real friends. All my buzz friends mean a lot to me. Thank you for being there.

1) Michelle- My little angel and little devil. :D She has grown so much in the last year. It's true what they say about the baby years. I really do miss them, but it's nice to have a conversation with her. But oh the questions. She always knows how to make mommy smile. Today we were listening to Fall Out Boy which she only knows of Patrick. Go figure. She loves Spongebob...and today she said she was singing with Patrick Star. Almost right.

10) Moving- I'm happy where I am...but it was hard to find people to help and the actual move itself was hell. Never move in August.

9) Disability- After all the paperwork and 2 appeals I'm still waiting for my courtdate. In the summer my lawyer said it could take 18 months to 2 years. So many people take for granted that they can work. I wish to god I could go to a job and not have all the problems I do.

8) Life- For the most part my life is ok. There are things that I wish I could change...or forget.

7) No money- I'm on food stamps and welfare. I hate it. Once my disability goes through (which I hope it does) I won't be and be able to go and get a coffee once in awhile.

6) Car Accident- In April we had snow and I ran into a truck. My car was total...and I miss it. I hate the car I have now. But it gets me around. Then a few weeks ago we got freezing rain and I went into a ditch...thank god nothing happened to the car.

5) Panic Concert- Really wish I could say I loved the Panic concert. I still pisses me off. Sure if I had mommy and daddy pay for me it wouldn't of matter. But after saving money to travel and get a hotel and then not even seeing the main band (thank god I got to see MCS) it sort of ticked me off.

4) Dad- I've never had a real relationship with my dad. He wanted a boy and well, I wasn't. After Christmas last year I didn't hear from him. Finally, before Thanksgiving he called me. Of course I think it was, was that my step mom invited my ex. He did stand up for me, but I wish we would have more of a relationship then we do.

3) Therapist, Cutting, etc.- Ended with one horrible, bitchy therapist. She made me feel worse leaving than when I went in. Cutting did get better for a few months. But still a problem.

2) Ex's- Really no explaination here.

1) IRS Stimulus Check- Since my ex and I filed together he decided to keep the whole check to himself. And I just found out that he would of had to sign my name. When I found out that he kept all the money it started one of our major fights.

In the next few days I should get the 10 highs.